Hot sounds and burning hamstrings...

No more craziness... no more late nights... I want to be a hermit!

Or so I thought...

"Hey Elle J, I've got your name on a list for the VH1 Hip Hop Honors this Saturday, let me know who you're coming with and I'll get you in the VIP floor or mez area." ...Was an email I received last Sunday. For the next ten minutes I bit my nails, circled my living room and grunted. Only Sunday and I already had most of the week packed without this event. Jeopardy taping with mom Thursday, dinner with a friend Friday, filming on Sunday... What happened to hours of luxurious sleep on the weekends? And when in the hell was I going to get to that pile of laundry that I swear whispers to me in my sleep, "L, WHEN are you going to wash us, you stank ass?!"

Mr. Man continued to flip through the Sunday newspaper while I grunted and whined.

"Why can't you just be here to go with me to things like this?"

"Why can't I just be here period."

*Sigh*


I had at least 3 ticket spots to fill. I went back to my computer and made a few calls. First to Chris who I swore would want to attend an all out hip hop function, but who turned me down. And, then to JL, my entertainment industry partner in crime; he accepted. With one last entrepenuer in mind, I dialed Clarissa's number, only to find out she had already been invited to the show. So, it was settled. I was booked for Saturday.

Mr. Man turned to me, "You know, you could just not go."

I gave him half of a frown and realized that could didn't translate into not for me. Once invited I have a hard time passing things like that up. "How about we get some Chinese food?" Changing the subject has always been my favorite defense mechanism.

The following week ran by so quickly, I could hardly grab hold of its memory. Mom enjoyed Jeopardy although I found myself yawning through a daytime diva's smiles and a late night musical directors jokes. Dinner with my friend on Friday was enlightening, as it usually is. Then Saturday hit me like a hard slap by reality when I awoke and realized I had nothing hip hopish to wear. After running around the maze that is the Staten Island Mall, I settled on purchasing a cropped military jacket and huge fake gold hoop earrings. Ran home to do something with the hair and here was the final product:

I had on green and orange Pumas to match. *wink*

Being the worried freak I am, I was the first to arrive at the Hammerstein Ballroom. I was promptly asked which list I was on, and after stating my name, was told I was on the VIP line, near the wall. I joined that line and waited...and waited. While waiting I had the pleasure of standing next to a rather large woman who apparently failed to look in the mirror before stepping out of her house. For those of you who know me, you're well aware I'm no skinny toothpick. You would rarely find me in any kind of pants or shirts that don't keep my cheechos (sp?) in check. This girl however, wow... Way too tight top that fought to keep her boobs from spilling ou, I think it barely reached over her nipples. Pants so low and tight that, when she bent over the railing in front of me I saw at least three inches of her ass crack. After nearly gagging, I turned away and prayed Clarissa or JL would show up to distract me soon.

Clarissa showed up first. I swear this chic is too cute for her own good. Standing at no more than 5'2" (if she's taller I'm sorry!) in heels, lovely fitted jeans, a team jacket, large hoop earrings and freshly done hair, lil miss C made herself known as she hugged me tight and squealed my name, asking where I'd been for the past few months. Shit if I know! Haven't even been able to answer that to myself. We took a few minutes to catch up, then her cell phone rang and she steered away from me momentarily.

In that time lapse I saw JL approaching and ushered him to join us. He, standing at 6'3", towered over both of us. Dressed in a backwards baseball cap loosely hanging on his head, with sneakers to match and a tan military jacket with jeans, he greeted Clarissa who he knows separately from me, and then hugged me hello. We had a lot to catch up on but it wasn't the kind of talk that was well placed on a noisy line decorated with half dressed people. "We're going to have to get together soon, I've got a lot to tell you."

"You and me both, kiddo," I told him.

The line started to move and we found our way through metal detectors and into the venue. I wondered if it had been the Country Honors would I have been searched the way I was. I highly doubt it, but hey, I'm not trying to get stabbed or shot either (i.e. Source Awards). To my complete amazement there were trays of sandwiches and a juice bar set up. I found Travis, my connect, and walked over to say hi. He was busy munching on mozzerella and pesto on foccacia bread.

"Do you ever do anything but eat?"

He laughed and kissed me hello. "Sometimes I even manage naps."

"Great, when you retire please give me a call so I can take over."

"Can you believe there is food here?" he asked, astounded.

"Hello no." Any MTV or Viacom production I'd ever been to never catered to the audience. "Guess that means we should eat while it's still here," I said to JL. We grabbed a bite and some sodas, and without realizing it, lost Clarissa in the process. We watched a Wu-Tang member flash his All Access pass at the juice bar bartender trying to score some liqour.

"It's a juice bar," the bartender said softly.

"Even if I got this?" the rapper flashed his pass arrogantly.

"You can get liqour downstairs."

"Well, that is where I'm going," he said very matter of factly.

As he wobbled away in his four times too big jeans, I sighed and said to JL, "If you ever get that way, I'm going to slap you upside the head." It is no doubt to me that JL will soon become famous for his musical talents.

"I give you full authority to do so." He doesn't doubt it either.

We people watched for some time, marveling at the clothes people wore and the ridiculously high shoes and boots some girls apparently considered comfortable. "If you ever catch me in an outfit like that-" I began.

"Slap you upside the head."

I nodded.

The music was loud and compelling. My body swayed to Grandmaster Flash's best without me even being aware. JL started in with his dance moves that I envy.

"Teach me something," I pleaded. "But, don't get crazy."

He proceeded to do a four count that included a throw of jacket flaps. I had no jacket flaps to throw behind me. He insisted I do so without the actual flaps and we fell into a fit of laughs as I went ahead with his bullshit flap toss and looked like a complete moron.

"Ok, ok just do this." He made some movement with his feet that I wasn't quick enough to follow, but somehow managed to move at least two feet away from me.

"What in the hell? Do that again!"

It was no use. Five tries later I was still stuck in the same spot and catching a cramp in my Achille's Heel. "I suck."

"You'll learn."

"Audience members, please find your way to the front of the stage," boomed the voice of the DJ, Marley Marle. We finished off our sandwiches and headed into the pit. A group of breakdancers were battling so hard that I wondered if it was part of the show. We joined the ouskirts of the circle that formed around them and watched intently. A short b-boy from across the circle smiled at me.

"Do you know that guy?" JL asked.

"Don't think so."

"Should I be bothered then. I mean how does he know whether or not you're with me?"

"Relax, macho."

Minutes later the b-boy was beside me. He looked at me, smiled and said something like, "You're down with the EOW crew, right?"

I had no clue what he was talking about, so I just smiled and shook my head. "No, sorry."

"Oh, you look like someone I've seen before." A dancer apparently. I figure this because I was again mistaken later in the evening. I guess I just have that "I want to dance" kind of face.

The show, scheduled to start at 8pm, didn't really get on the road until almost 9. Ice-T hosted, adlibing and reading from teleprompters. The honorees were Afrika Bambaatta, Russel Simmons, Rakim, MC Lyte, Beastie Boys, Wu-Tang Clan, Eazy-E and Ice Cube... did I forget anyone? Let me check my ubercool poster series parting gift. Nope, got them all. There were performances by Diddy, Fabolous, Q-Tip, Lil Kim (she got "healthy" while in the pen), Remy Ma, Fat Joe, Erika Badhu, Common and The Roots. Lil Jon screamed his Oh Yeah's and when Wu Tang performed, Method Man jumped into the audience right next to where I was standing. My life flashed before my eyes when suddenly a stranger pulled me out of the mosh-pit-dangerous way. I thanked him, then enjoyed the rest of the show on my own. Clarissa was long lost in the crowd and JL had to part a half hour before the show ended to return to family.

All in all, a very cool experience. But, my legs which supported my weight for nearly six hours, screamed bloddy murder at me throughout the train and ferry ride home.

No way am I ever going to go through a day like that again...

Right?